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why does he care?
OK, before I begin rambling, this is just me releasing all the bits and pieces in my head, so sorry if they don't exactly make sense...
God, my head is pounding, my stomach is screaming and my mind is spinning out of control.
dismantle. repair.
yet again.
Ugh, I hate hangover's. I shouldn't have taken that gear last night... I wonder if you can get in trouble for talking about drugs on here??
Grrrrrrrrrrr. Head hurts. I need to blowdry my hair. I want another shower, even though I'm still wet from the first one I just had, LOL.
No more cutting, for his sake I suppose.. As I said before, why does he care, but I guess I'm glad he does...
x
Oh and another thing... where's the hungover/coming down emoticon?? LOL.
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It was going to happen eventually.
I was never denying it. I'm just surprised it took so long for it to happen.
So I caved. Last night. Perhaps I'll go into details later, if I have the energy and/or the will. And as per usual I am feeling the familiar emotions of guilt, anger and anxiety.
I know that every cut is one more excuse, one more regret, one more problem, one more emotion.
As cliche as it is, it is such a vicious cycle.
cave. cut. remorse. guilt. rebuild. struggle. fall. repeat.
dismantle. repair. ; my new... well, not exactly motto, more of an observation, two words, a thousand meanings.
A hopeful, yet remorseful song open to a million interpretations.
But these are my words now. And I have been embracing them, and I have fallen in love with them. They are now part of me.
I'm tired, and I want to type more, I have many thoughts, but my body is willing me to sleep.
Eeeeeeexhausted.
As I have said before, I wish we could plug a USB into our brains and drain our thoughts onto documents. Much easier than typing.
Perhaps I will finish this tomorrow...
Good night all, hope you're stronger than I am at the moment.
x
Tags: cutting, emotional, exhaustion, self harm
Current Mood:  exhausted
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perfection.
obsession.
destruction.
Isn't it frightening how similar those words are?
It's almost the perfect sentence for my current state of mind; I'm obsessed with perfection & it's leading to destruction.
I did it again, I caved today. Given it was technically only two pieces of sushi, I stilll feel pathetic for caving.
And I felt so god damn low, crouching on the filthy floor of a bathroom in the mall, forcing myself to throw it up again.
And even more pathetic is that it was so hard, not emotionally, because I'm already over that [art of it, but now it seems to be getting physically harder to do. And that scares me a little, like maybe my body is trying to make me stop.
But I can't. But I still have to take that as a sign to stop caving in, because I'm screwed if I do, and then can't throw up.
I just want to be happy with myself. I know I have lost a hell of a lot of weight, the black straight legs i bought last month, the ones that just fit when I got them, now fall down when I wear them. I've lost enough for that to happen, but no-one has noticed, so it's obviously not enough.
And as much as it seems like a typical thought induced by this disease, I know for a fact I still have a lot of weight to lose. I'm not a size eight, not close, and the funny thing is, I don't even want to be.
As I said, I just want to feel normal.
I want to go out with the girls and not feel bad for them having to be seen with me.
I want the boys to stop saying I'm 'nice', and start saying I look nice.
I can't think straight right now. Too many thoughts, not enough patience to turn them into words.
I'm cold. My ribs, stomach, throat & lips hurt.
I want to sleep.
I don't even have the energy to cut till the frustration disappears.
Tags: bored, bulimia, cutting, random, tired
Current Mood: hungry
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Cheap vodka & rollercoaster emotions are NOT a good combination. A million and one thoughts, and a million and one words, yet still, even after being instilled with this false sense of security, aka being drunk; still I can't find the right words nor the strength to express them. Sometimes I wish that my over-thinking, over-analysing brain had a USB port. Now THAT would make life easy. LOL. God. What have I reduced my thoughts to? Drunken ramblings and nonsense?I think it's best I leave this for now and head to bed in a last attempt to sleep. x Tags: confused, drunk, emotions
Current Mood:  confused
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I HATE CHEAP PERFUME.
What a fucking chaotic last night/day/night.
I'm over it all. I don't even seem to have the energy to over-analyse everything, as usual.
For some odd reason, the cutting has ceased. The urge seems to have disappeared completely these last few days. That's a good thing, for now, I suppose...
Anyway.
Work today; wow. Weirdest day. Sitting in the office at lunch, eating, doing the very thing I promised myself that I could not do, and every fucking mouthful tasted like guilt.
But being the way I am, of course I kept going. I wasn't hungry, I know I wasn't, I was pushing myself to eat purely so I could punish myself for doing just that.
But then; the oddest thing.
As soon as that last mouthful was gone, my instincts told me to grab the bathroom keys and go vomit till I felt like I was worth something, but they weren't there. ****** & ***** had beaten me to it. It was fucking odd to see those two run for the bathroom like that. When ****** came back, we passed those keys like it was some fucking bulimic olympics relay, it was really fucking bizarre...
It made me kinda of angry, I hate competing, and they are both so fucking perfect already, and it's hard enough without having another two perfect people to compete with.
I feel like I'm reaching for the unreachable, fighting a fight I'm destined to lose, dreaming a dream that will never come true, wanting something I'll never have...
I know it's hard. I fucking wish it wasn't but if the world was that easy then everyone would be perfect.
But it's back on track tomorrow; Back to the routine.
It's not a hard thing to do, I'm just weak. But no more. I'm going to push harder, harder than ever before. I need this to work.
No more binge eating. ONE and ONLY ONE piece of food a day. No matter how small or healthy, I MUST throw it back up. No excuses.
WATER. WATER. WATER.
More running.
I just.. God, I don't even have words at the moment.
Frustrations, confusion. They are the worst emotions, and the least controllable.
I'm over it.
Tags: angry, bulimia, cutting, emotional, frustration
Current Mood:  blank
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